My Life As A Neurodivergent Individual.

My Autism Journey All I want to do Is Cry. My Brain Works Differently And Some People Ask Me Why. I Have What's Called Executive Function Or Executive Dysfunction. That Is When I Trouble Planning, Organizing, And Paying Bills, I Also Have Depression And Anxiety Which Has Me On Pills. Sometimes I Am So Frustrated And Sad That I Want To Run Away To The Catskills. It Takes My Brain Forever To Wake Up And Start My Day. I Never Knew Why Until I Was Diagnosed With Autism And ADHD When I was 39 Years Old. So I Went 37 Years Not Knowing The Problems I Was Having Were Due To Autism And ADHD. Autism Is Where One Might Have Inappropriate Social Interactions, Unaware Of Other People's Emotions, Or Black And White Thinking. After Reading A Book On Autism In 2019 and Doing A Ton Of Other Research Including Joining Support Groups For Autisitic People I Then realized That I Related To A Lot Of What Was Being Said By Members. Since I was A Older Kid, I Knew That I was Different From Others My Age. After Having Interactions With People I Would Go To My Room And Cry And Cry Out What Is Wrong With Me? I Felt So Ashamed And Hurt, Frustrated And Alone. People Would Be Surprised In A Bad Way On What Would Come Out Of My Mouth. I Never Learned Appropriate Ways To Interact With People Because Neither Did My Family And They Were Very Dysfunctional. They Didn't Have The Skills To Teach Me. The More Older I Got The More Isolated, Alone, And Depressed I Got Because I Didn't Fit In Or Was Liked Very Much And People Would Stay Away. I Don't Ever Intend To Hurt People's Feelings Or Argue Or Intend To Be Rude. Noone Would Ever Know How To Tell Me What I was Doing Incorrectly Therefore I Did Not Know How To Change. So In A Way People Took My Dignity, And Learn To Change. I Was Bullied Since I Was In 1st Grade And I Am Still Bullied Or Treated Unfairly Especially From Professionals. I Often Feel Punished For Being Myself/Neurodivergent. I Started To Mask At A Very Early Age Because The Way I Would Show Excitement By Jumping Up And Down And Flapping My Hands Up And Down People Would Get Uncomfortable And Tell Me To Stop. So I Listened To Them So I Stopped. That Was A Very Bad Idea Because It Caused Me A lot Of Self Hatred And Self Esteem Issues That Contributed To My Depression Because I Couldn't Be My True Self Around People And I Developed Trust Issues Regarding This. If You Don't Know What Masking Is This Is What Is It Masking is a complex and costly survival strategy for autistic people. It generally involves intentionally learning neurotypical behaviors and mimicking them in social situations. Sometimes masking focuses on hiding behaviors that people feel won’t be accepted. Also There Is Something Called Autistic Burnout. Here Is The Definition Autistic burnout is a syndrome of exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus. It is caused by chronic life stress and a mismatch of expectations and abilities without adequate supports. It is often accompanied by a loss of skills that some autistic people use to navigate a world that is designed for neurotypical people. Autistic burnout is not a form of regression, but a temporary inability to use one's skills. Right Now I Feel That I Am Burnout Mode, Because Again I Still Mask My Autism Traits To Satisfy Others Emotions Feelings Of Comfortableness. If You Have Interactions With Me In The Future Please Know That What You Are Saying Is Important To Me And May Seem Like I Am Not Listening Or Understanding You, Sometimes I Don't Understand Because 1, I Need Your Patience So That I can Process What You Just Said. So Then You And I Can Be On The same Page And Get Along And Connect With One Another. Patience Is All I ever Wanted And Needed From People Around Me But I Did Not Know How To Verbalize It. Talk To Me As An Equal, But Also Remember That My Brain Works Differently Than Yours. So If You Are Unsure How To Connect With Me Or Talk To Me About Something That Matters To You, The Best Thing For You To Do Is To Ask Me Questions Like "How Are You Feeling Right Now?" Or "Did You Mean To Say That, Or Are You Having Trouble Finding/Accessing The Right Words?" Also If It's Possible When You Can Tell Me How You Felt When I Did Or Said Something That Hurt Your Feelings Or Hit You The Wrong Way, Please Talk To Me About It In A Neutral Place Preferably Sitting Down And With No Distractions. This Way I Can Know How You Felt And I Can Work On Changing The Particular Behavior And That Will Help Us To Grow More As Friends Or Family. That Is All I Ever Wanted Also Was To Feel Connected To My Friends And Family. Anything Else You Want To Know About Me Just Send me A Message And Let's Start A Great Friendship! Thanks For Reading! My Poem/Post LOL Kendra Morana